[ Written In 9/21/10' ]
So yes, this is your typical average love story,
So yes, this is your typical average love story,
['So there is this boy and he kinda has my heart..']
Note - 'KINDA.'
I can't seem to quite put my finger on it,
I want him, yet i don't?
He's driving me crazy and yet it's all good?
I want him to say the things he has said over and over again, but i don't?
Something's wrong with me, like seriously.
I have never felt anything like what i am currently experiencing about a person before.
&& It's frustrating! He is driving me slightly crazy or rather totally!
All i want is a straight, clear and direct answer from him. Is that so hard?
I wish he would just tell me like it is and get it over with. Whether he chooses to be with me or rather us being friends. But after him saying he likes me, i'm getting mixed messages. Never in my life have i wanted to be with someone yet know it is not really gonna work out. Does anyone know that feeling or is it just me? The feeling you get when you're totally confused about what his or her love actually means to you && would it be worth it? Terrible enough to say, i want him out of my life right now. Because, at this point of time after experiencing what i have, i am so over him. But i know whenever he starts messaging me or talking to me, my heart skips a beat and i fall right back in again. DAMN THIS "LOVE"!! If it is considered a type of love in the first place? Maybe, just maybe i may only be in love with the idea of being in love && the feeling of being loved by someone else? Maybe this is just all in my head?
Previously when he comes over, all we do is cuddle, kiss && stayed in an ambiance that seemed like nothing could ever take it away. But when we're apart, i guess you can say i miss him terribly? So terribly that up to the point where it feels like as if he does not really care any more. Then when he starts talking to me again && comes back into my life calling me 'baby' && saying how much me misses me && is excited to see me. I don't know whether to take it as a joke or to believe him? The words "What If?" comes to mind when he does this. What if he's just toying with my emotions? He keeps doing this over && over, yet my heart doesn't learn. I just come running right back. Maybe he's just playing his cards right && i'm falling right into it? Yes i know i may sound clingy, desperate && just down right obsessed with him, but at this point that is just how i feel. && i'm telling it how it is. I can not help it! && It's honestly slowly killing me, everyday there isn't a day that goes by without me not thinking about him. He's my addiction, he is my muse, he has kind of always been.
I have known him for almost 5 years now && i know we used to have a thing for each other, we both admitted it unknowing that we would ever one day cross paths && live in the same state && country. But the funny part was we lived in different countries. Him in Australia && me, somewhere else around the world. This emotion of mine feels so Gay! && to be quite honest, his mood swings does not help in the least. he changes his moods, like melbourne changes weather && that's a lot! He is bi-polar you see, something i never knew about him til' he && i moved to Melbourne. We met up && he completely changed! I mean, yeah we do have web cam chats && stuff, but how much can you trust a web cam chat? You could look totally different on cam then in real life. His hair went from bald to half shaved blonde, long on one side, non-pierced, stick skinny person. I fell hard for the old boy who lived in the country, had stretched ears, with snakebites && a lil big/chubby. But it honestly it wasn't his looks really, it was just... him, he portrayed himself in a manner he chose to act of without feeling outcasted or judged by others around him, he wasn't the typical stereotypical 'emo-pink dude' hanging around in a small country filled with hill-billy's && his personality proceeded him. He was someone i would constantly love to talk to even though what time it was, we'd be up constantly chatting the night away like as if we did not have any other better things to do the next day && mind you, getting up for school was pretty hard. Now those were the days i truly miss. Now, He's this Indie, skinny guy that is sort of like the boy i used to know, but not really? *sigh*
...
But Seriously? Who wants to feel like they're unloved especially after the person you thought liked you as much as getting you something personal as lingerie, 3 in fact to only be thinking we're just gonna be friends? I'm confused && currently I give up. *falls on bed with ice cream in hand*, If he wants me, he knows how to find me. Simple as that.
Dr. Chellz Out.
xoxo
Dr. Chellz Out.
xoxo
