My 411 ♥ Status? - Paging Dr. Chellz, You Are Needed In ER! '.Flat line.' I'm Sorry, We Lost It.. ~

[ Written In 9/21/10' ]
So yes, this is your typical average love story,

['So there is this boy and he kinda has my heart..']

Note - 'KINDA.'

I can't seem to quite put my finger on it,

I want him, yet i don't?

He's driving me crazy and yet it's all good?

I want him to say the things he has said over and over again, but i don't?

Something's wrong with me, like seriously.

I have never felt anything like what i am currently experiencing about a person before.

&& It's frustrating! He is driving me slightly crazy or rather totally!

All i want is a straight, clear and direct answer from him. Is that so hard?

I wish he would just tell me like it is and get it over with. Whether he chooses to be with me or rather us being friends. But after him saying he likes me, i'm getting mixed messages. Never in my life have i wanted to be with someone yet know it is not really gonna work out. Does anyone know that feeling or is it just me? The feeling you get when you're totally confused about what his or her love actually means to you && would it be worth it? Terrible enough to say, i want him out of my life right now. Because, at this point of time after experiencing what i have, i am so over him. But i know whenever he starts messaging me or talking to me, my heart skips a beat and i fall right back in again. DAMN THIS "LOVE"!! If it is considered a type of love in the first place? Maybe, just maybe i may only be in love with the idea of being in love && the feeling of being loved by someone else? Maybe this is just all in my head? 

Previously when he comes over, all we do is cuddle, kiss && stayed in an ambiance that seemed like nothing could ever take it away. But when we're apart, i guess you can say i miss him terribly? So terribly that up to the point where it feels like as if he does not really care any more. Then when he starts talking to me again && comes back into my life calling me 'baby' && saying how much me misses me && is excited to see me. I don't know whether to take it as a joke or to believe him? The words "What If?" comes to mind when he does this. What if he's just toying with my emotions? He keeps doing this over && over, yet my heart doesn't learn. I just come running right back. Maybe he's just playing his cards right && i'm falling right into it? Yes i know i may sound clingy, desperate && just down right obsessed with him, but at this point that is just how i feel. && i'm telling it how it is. I can not help it! && It's honestly slowly killing me, everyday there isn't a day that goes by without me not thinking about him. He's my addiction, he is my muse, he has kind of always been.

I have known him for almost 5 years now && i know we used to have a thing for each other, we both admitted it unknowing that we would ever one day cross paths && live in the same state && country. But the funny part was we lived in different countries. Him in Australia && me, somewhere else around the world. This emotion of mine feels so Gay! && to be quite honest, his mood swings does not help in the least. he changes his moods, like melbourne changes weather && that's a lot! He is bi-polar you see, something i never knew about him til' he && i moved to Melbourne. We met up && he completely changed! I mean, yeah we do have web cam chats && stuff, but how much can you trust a web cam chat? You could look totally different on cam then in real life. His hair went from bald to half shaved blonde, long on one side, non-pierced, stick skinny person. I fell hard for the old boy who lived in the country, had stretched ears, with snakebites && a lil big/chubby. But it honestly it wasn't his looks really, it was just... him, he portrayed himself in a manner he chose to act of without feeling outcasted or judged by others around him, he wasn't the typical stereotypical 'emo-pink dude' hanging around in a small country filled with hill-billy's && his personality proceeded him. He was someone i would constantly love to talk to even though what time it was, we'd be up constantly chatting the night away like as if we did not have any other better things to do the next day && mind you, getting up for school was pretty hard. Now those were the days i truly miss. Now, He's this Indie, skinny guy that is sort of like the boy i used to know, but not really? *sigh*

...

But Seriously? Who wants to feel like they're unloved especially after the person you thought liked you as much as getting you something personal as lingerie, 3 in fact to only be  thinking we're just gonna be friends? I'm confused && currently I give up. *falls on bed with ice cream in hand*, If he wants me, he knows how to find me. Simple as that.
Dr. Chellz Out.
xoxo

Boys Smoys! ~

Had enough! Done! Annoyed!

Pretty much done with boys at the moment. 

They all seem to think or believe that they are different from other guys. 

But boys, i got news for you, honestly you aren't!

You all think the same, whether you're slightly different in the way you treat girls.

Believe it or not.

As the saying goes, "Boys Are Just Boys, You Can't Change That."

But can't they take NO for an answer?

Seriously, what's their deal..??

If a woman says no, it doesn't mean try harder!

It means NO! N.O - Negative, Nope, Not Happening, Nada, JaNien, F*ck Off even.

Unless that girl was fooling around, than obviously, you can tell!

But why am i so annoyed? Well here's the dilly-o.

...

Was out clubbing tonight. 

&& actually wanted a relaxing, non-stop dance night! I LOVE TO DANCE! It relaxes me.

Where there are no guys trying to pick up!

So we decided to go to a Gay Bar && a Dyke club :)

Stupidly I brought one of the guys who likes me as well.

Seeing as my best friend is Bi, she brought one of those girls i terribly dislike and disapprove of.

Mainly for the fact that she told rumors about me, which clearly didn't happen - i was proven innocent.

Apparently she only wants to "root" her.

Well I used to believe that, note [Used to].

Doesn't really seem that way anymore though.

Although she tells me about this other blonde girl who she's really into at the moment.

We both playa's yeah i can admit that, but we ain't sluts.

We're Indecisive, but we don't lead them on.

Make it known we are interested, but it doesn't mean you're the "ONE".

We make that very clear. Well at least i do.

But anyways back to my story about clubbing!

I brought a guy, i have already made known to him that i want to see what he's like && who he is 

before jumping into a relationship, as you do.

I sure as hell don't want another mistake like my last relationship.

He kept on grabbing my ass and sliding his hands all up and down on me, even near my vagina 

or should i even dare say he did.

I was so mad at him, for the fact that i kept telling him to stop, and yet he didn't!

I kept quiet throughout the night && eventually he came over and had a chat with me.

I told him what was wrong and he almost cried.

I can't stand emo guys! And he sure as hell was one of them!

He has cried to me before, saying how depressed and stuff he is about his life and should just die.

GET OVER IT!

Life is life, you can't have pure happiness all the time!

But when you do, remember those times, than it probably won't seem so bad.

So it was a complete turn off for me, it kind of just ended right there.

Yes i know boys are actually more emotional than girls, but still, in PUBLIC?

Seriously? I wouldn't even do that unless it was actually something worth crying for!

So yes that is one memory that might take me awhile to get rid off if i wanna give this guy a chance 

or another one i should say.

The feeling i currently have is to stop talking and hanging out with him.

For the fact that he doesn't have many friends and is seeming to be extremely clingy!

I thought he was those tough guys that was kind of a jerk and i can except that, but he isn't.

Which my mind does not want to accept.

I like guys who can keep their cool in a terrible situation, be the MAN, no the wimp!

Guys who aren't clingy, who aren't controlling and constantly wanting to know where you are and who you're with.

A guy that gives me space, for my uni and friends, not every waking hour together.

That was my ex and obviously it did not go down well.

I felt trapped and i had to break free! After 9 and a half months with constant attempts to break up!

But i always give in to those who cry and begged. Yes i'm a softy at heart.

I hate seeing people cry, especially guys, it's not appealing in the least.

So yeah, currently, I AM SO OVER THIS SCENE!

Oh && i made out with a girl tonight, now that was the best part of the night - lol ;)
...
Chellzie x